let me tell you

Thinky think yoga practice

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 12:49:07 -0500

This lovely image of baby yoga is from Flickr's creative commons photo pool... by user: Upsilon Andromedae.

It reminds me of just how I felt doing yoga this morning. Like it was all new...except I didn't have that sweet sense of play and freedom — nice when it happens, but certainly not a regular occurrence. Actually, I had an all over feeling of tightness and holding on and worry. I must have held myself crazy tight all week, particularly in the way I sat at my desk, so every pose felt like a fight at first. My spine did not uncurl easily.

That's fine, of course. The point is to work with the breath and bring the mind back to the body again and again and again and again and again. To not worry about "doing it right" but instead to just inhale more deeply and exhale all the way, even further than you think you can as you lean into the pose. I'm sure there are a whole lot of other points, but right now, at the beginning again, for not the first time in my life, that's the point.

But the back beat of mental activity today was like having a drum & bass thing going on inside. Kind of clashes with the ocean sounds new age music and heady fragrance of Nag Champa, you know?

Over and over again my mind returned to something I said without thinking earlier and how that made someone else feel. One of those moments where you say sorry but know that it's not enough and that you really have to work on this one thing because it happens too often. To get a whole lot better at measuring the words before they leave your mouth because it's just not always about you. Even when that's what you're talking about. You.

Breathe, bend, hold legs and arms strong, back straight, breathe, breathe, breathe. Release.

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editing last post to add

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:56:18 -0500

thank you Eve...and no...it's not St. Anthony either.

I got my lazy ass up off the chair to go look at the novena on the kitchen windowsill...

and perhaps St. JOSEPH (scroll down to "in folklore") isn't doing such a bang--up job because I keep calling him by the wrong flipping name.

I mean, I certainly wouldn't like it if the people I work with called me Sally.

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F*cking economy and a snow day

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 06:27:03 -0500

Fellow Ohioans know all about the snow and ice storm that came out of the south yesterday. We've mostly had lake effect storms here this winter and that means we get just a dusting or an inch of snow in Kent. We're just that far enough south of the lake effect line. But by 10 am the snow was coming down hard and sticking to the roads because we had such cold temperatures for a few days (high of 17 over 3 days).

Lila's school follows the university schedule for closings because they're on campus, and at 10:30 I got notice that they were canceling afternoon classes. My boss seemed grumpy when I told him I had to leave and would just finish up the project at home. When I asked him if he was okay, he said he was having a really crappy couple of days. That he and the designers were taking a beating from upper management.

At home I puttered with Lila and then got the call that the public schools were letting out early and so headed back out in the nastiness to get Ty. The roads were just awful yesterday. So slippery. Even with 4WD, I was fishtailing all over the place.

Then at home an email came across from the CEO, saying that today's layoffs were very difficult for him and for everyone but now that that's behind us we need to refocus and make up for the mistakes we've made in the last year.

Hello, what?

Layoffs?

Nothing on the news. Nothing in trusty google except for the crap that happened in July. OK. So maybe it was all in the LA office. Then Greg called to let me know what happened. Two people from the OH office got let go and one of them is my coworker, a graphic designer who has been with the company for 13 years (I think?) and has a son in college. He's middle aged and will likely find it difficult to get another job in his field paying even close to what he makes. The art schools are churning out graphic design hacks and in Ohio they're all out of work. It's insane.

And it's doubly insane because our 3 designers have been responsible for implementing the new packaging look and have a huge schedule of products that need to be re-shot and designed in the new packaging over the next two months. Huge. Like 100+ products. So two people are going to do that? It's already nuts that I'll be managing every piece of text for all of that, but 2 designers? What the everloving hell are they thinking?

I'll tell you what they're thinking. They're thinking we're all going to stay late to get that shit done. I'll tell you what else: not me. I'm so not giving up what little time I have with my family and with my own projects to make up for their short-sighted, bottom-line, corporate bullshit. Hells to the no. And I know the remaining two designers won't either. No way. Today is going to be Teh Suck.

You may be wondering: dude, when are you going to get off your ass and get that consulting business going, eh? And yeah, I've been plugging away at that. I started my website, but still have to finish a few side projects before I can build the portfolio page and have anything that's actually "live" to show. And I got my biz cards and have been passing them out like a good little pusher girl. I'm learning software that I struggle with in an effort to strengthen my "value added" abilities as both a writer and graphic designer.

And I still think about cupcakes everyday and may start a little side thing at home, cupcake catering with a small menu of choices...maybe all minis?

And there are other things percolating in the background having to do with our local farmers' market and getting more people interested in doing a home garden—outreach and education.

And yeah, the full-time gig certainly cuts into my waking/working hours...making it hard to move forward in big ways with any of that. But we still have that other house and we need that steady paycheck, no matter how uncertain it is in the end. But can I tell you a secret? I wished it was me who got laid off.

BTW, the house is a total fire sale now, we've dropped the price so much that we're going to owe the bank if we sell it. That's so fine with us, we just want to not have to think about it at all anymore. We're doing everything we can to stay responsible to it, not wanting to jump on the bandwagon of the new "walk away" movement. (which, you know, I totally get. I see these companies just walking away from people every day. Hello, GM! Hello my boss's, boss's boss! and why shouldn't homeowners also have that right? OK, contract, fine print, know what you're signing for, don't bite off more than you can chew, educate yourself about predatory lending. I get all that. But shit, the world is changing. The rules change every day. Like Michelle Obama says, they keep raising the bar out of reach. We'll keep going as long as we can because we chose to move out of the house and buy another in order to get into a better neighborhood and better schools, but you know what? I'm not ruling it out. If I'm still talking about this miserable job and this stupid empty house next February? You'll also be reading about how we're walking away.

Chris is showing it this week and he thinks they're the ones. So if you're so inclined, we'd sure appreciate the mojo. St. Christopher seems to be sleeping on the job.

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That house meme

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 06:58:29 -0500

No, I didn't get tagged...I snagged. It's been a hell of a week with the 2 kids down with strep and the little one with a double ear infection and then pneumonia and then an allergic reaction to the antibiotic which we hope to remedy today. So yeah, a meme is just the thing.

When you walk in your front door, which room do you enter?
The living room, which is currently torn apart while we guerrilla paint the walls.

Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes. Thank goodness. The teenager uses 23 glasses a day. It's his job to empty it.

Is your living room carpeted or does it have hardwood floors?
I'm told there's decent hardwood underneath the brown almost-shag. I hate the brown, but kids and cats. It hides the dirt well.

Do you keep your kitchen knives on the counter or in a drawer?
In a knife block on the counter. I want to get one of those magnetic strips to hang them from one of these days. They go dull so quickly.

House, apartment, duplex or trailer?
House. I love this house!

How many bedrooms is it?
Three. Two upstairs (us and Lila) and one downstairs (Tyler). His is off the dining room and emits odors and spills garbage daily. Someday that will be the office. Not that I'm wishing for him to grow up fast or anything.

Gas stove or electric?
Gas.

Do you have a yard?
Yes! We are so fortunate to have 4 city lots in one!

What size TV is in the living room?
I think it's a 36". About four years old and going strong.

Are your plates in the same cupboard as your cups?
No.

Is there a coffee maker sitting on your kitchen counter?
Yes.

What room is your computer in?
The living room. Someday that office, though...

Are there pictures hanging in your living room?
There were, but everything's down while we paint and I'll probably print and frame some new stuff to change it up a bit.

Are there any themes found in your home?
Not yet, but we're working on it. First step: gorgeous red wall.

What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
Arm and Hammer Free. I need to start buying something biodegradable.

Do you use dryer sheets?
Sometimes. Especially if I'm drying fleece (which we have a LOT of in this house).

Curtains in your home?
Dining room and bathrooms. I'd like to do roman shades once these walls are all painted.

What color is your fridge?
It's stainless with an ice blue finish! We bought a floor model for 60% off at Sears, a model they had only (nationwide) sold maybe a dozen units of... hello, blue! But we love the blue. We don't care if our other appliances don't match--they're black and that's good enough.

Is your house clean?
Never as clean as I wish it was, but I'm not very good about regular maintenance. We'll call it good enough, okay?

What room is the most neglected?
Tossup between Tyler's room and the basement. They're equally disastrous, it's just the basement is 6x bigger ... but his room rivals it in many ways.

Are the dishes in your sink/dishwasher clean or dirty?
Dirty, waiting to finish loading the dishwasher.

How long have you lived in your home?
2 years in June.

Where did you live before?
About 45 minutes east of here in a much bigger house on 4 acres with crazy neighbors. I miss the peepers in spring, the night sky and the daily geese, but otherwise not a bit.

Do you have one of those fluffy toilet lid covers on your toilet?
Ew, gross.

Do you have a scale anywhere in your house?
A really ancient kitchen scale that's probably not very accurate. I've never owned a bathroom scale.

How many mirrors are in your house?
Two in the bathrooms, a crazy collage of odd mirrors in the dining room (4), one in the living room and one in each upstairs bedroom. So 9 total. The dining room ones are coming down, it's too much energy in there.

Look up. What do you see?
Sand painted white ceiling. Why do people do sand painting? Textured ceilings are ugly.

Do you have a garage?
Yes, but according to Chris there's no such thing as enough garage space.

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On being here now

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 06:23:28 -0500

Aarrgh. Bad blogger.

Coming off of the holidays I've been in slow, thick liquid mode. Molasses. But I'm finally on the road to good health due to some big dietary changes and stretching/yoga. This weekend I think I have enough stamina to add in some real exercise. I have to say, it feels so excellent to be detoxing. The early part of the week was rough from wanting to stuff my face with a big plate of pasta or slabs of toast with butter, and it's taking a while for the stomach to shrink down enough from my single portion meals (no seconds except for salad). I was feeling constantly hungry. But that shifted midday yesterday.

I've also put the nightly cocktail or glass of wine in the back seat for a bit. As soon as I walk in the door in the evening I make a cup of hot herbal tea (a digestive aid blend of mint and fennel) and set about making dinner. I haven't missed it and I've slept so much more deeply, ending the evening with a short session of deep stretching and a few key yoga poses for relaxation and balance. For the first time in over a year I felt good in my pants yesterday. Comfortable. I had a date with my friend Cheril to do our annual Xmas stocking exchange dinner and didn't even feel the need to change into something else after I got home.

I did have some bread and wine at dinner last night and while it was scrumptious (the bread was grilled with pesto and served with this pot of hunks of chévre sitting in a pool of pommadoro sauce that had been put under the broiler for a few minutes and topped with slivers of basil. Oh, yum. But I did feel kind of poisoned by the time I got home. Two glasses of red wine and the bread, well, woulda-coulda-shoulda, right? Had a big cobb salad with tons of goodies--roasted chicken, house smoked salmon, half an avacado...

So getting healthy is a lot of stopping throughout the day and asking myself, "how's that going to feel afterwards?" and it no longer feels like a punishment or a denial. It just feels like awareness and self-care.

The winds of change are swirling all around me.

Health
Fitness
Work
Home

It truly is a new year for once. Usually it just feels like January is more of the same old shit. But I'm changing inside instead of just looking outward hoping to see something different. And I'm not going to beat myself up by saying "took me long enough." I am where I am.

The Cowboy Junkies are going to (or have, I'm too lazy to look up the details of what I heard on World Café yesterday) go back into the church to revisit The Trinity Sessions.

Here's the original Sweet Jane. Martha has the sexiest voice.

Sweet Jane-Cowboy Junkies

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Searching for the soundtrack

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 10:45:40 -0500

I'm of two minds today and can't quite decide. Should it keep it low and mellow while I sort and clean and organize and possibly bake?

When Doves Cry

Or should I shake it?

SexyBack

I just don't know.

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How to use up a weekend, but fast

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 12:53:41 -0500

I'm frittering my day. I wrote a blog post and that felt good. And I talked with both my sister and my mother about scaling back the gift giving between the adults in the family and redirecting that energy/cash towards planning a vacation at the beach or at a lake in the mountains sometime next summer. (Both agreed, by the way, so that was very relieving.)

Lila's been sick for 3 days with a stomach bug (both ends, poor dear) and so far I've just had a lot of queasy, thank goodness. I'm grateful for the sick right now though, because our social plans for the weekend are so easily canceled. I hated to pull out just because I'm feeling overwhelmed. It was much easier to say our house has the plague.

I need to focus on getting the writing and designing finished for my friend's website/store. She wants it live by the end of the month and somehow my responsibilities with the project (unpaid) have been apparently doinking like rabbits and multiplying in the dark. It's a lesson...no more freebies. Every time we talk she has yet more she needs help with and so far the only compensation even mentioned is the "piece for my portfolio". Great, but damn. I've already put in 30 hours and we're looking towards at least that many more. Christmas month. And you know, I have a full-time job and a family. So yeah. My own damn fault and never again and all that. I got it.

I also need to get cracking on writing this essay I want to submit to an anthology that's in the works about learning how to eat. Three different well-published writers I know sent me the call for submissions. If that's not a nudge in the right direction, I don't know what is. But that was in August and the finals are due at the end of this month. I haven't even started. Or decided what exactly I plan to write about. Tonight I'd like to sit and do some free-writing about food and family to see where it takes me. There's an essay in here just waiting to unfold. I'm sure of it.

But first, lunch and this website work. Time to get it done.

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Phew, my butt's flat as a board

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 20:46:49 -0500

We're home from our mad-dash-drive east to Boston via NY State where I got to spend an evening with a dear friend and her equally dear family. Seven days and Thanksgiving with my family, hosted by my sister -- meal cooked by the two of us. Codeine every night but last night to deal with The Cough That Won't Go Away. Chris drove all but an hour or so on the way home today — took us 12 hours. He's a machine. I'm incoherently blogging and watching Prairie Home Companion while waiting for Tyler to come home from the movies. We weren't home ten minutes and he had an invite from friends and dashed right out the door.

Was good to see my family. Lots of great conversations. Good food. Kids being breathtakingly charming. Glad to be home tho. Even if the elves did not sneak in and clean it. Or paint the walls like I not-so-secretly hoped.

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Cough, cough, cough, achoo

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 06:40:01 -0500

I feel like one of those old ladies who talks about nothing but her ailments. But people, I'm sick again. That weekend ear infection that I got rid of with garlic/mullein oil has now settled in my chest and I'm barking like a dog/seal. Arf. I have meetings all day today, so can't stay home, but I"m for sure loading up my flash drive with files and working from the comfort of here tomorrow.

I forgot how much I hate bronchitis season.

Say a prayer if you inclined to such things for my stepdad. He broke his ankle over the weekend (in 4 places) and is having one of several surgeries today to begin the rebuilding. He waited too long to get treatment and tissue is compromised. Also, there's a high risk that when they tourniquet the leg, the pressure could cause the aneurysm in his groin to blow. Which would be fatal.

Good gosh golly, but it's been a crazy couple of months for my family. It feels like one of those soap opera families that I always joked about. There's always one I end up working with who has to take a ton of time off to deal with this crisis and that crisis. We call them shit magnets. Might be maybe my karma coming back around to bite me in the ass.

And let's not forget how weird it is that I first fractured a bone in my foot and sprained my ankle the weekend before. I've become human foreshadowing.

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Going back to before

nobody@vox.com(kpacklight) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 06:13:47 -0400

Urgh to the Grrr to the Ack.

I'm tired of stress being the background beat to my life. I'm sick of worrying. Of having to work so hard to drop out of that highly vibratory space of worry and anxiety and rush a thousand times a day in order to find the calm to keep plodding forward. Everyone around me is in the exact same state of **zzzwwweeeeeeggggzzzzz** and attempting the high wire on too little sleep and too much caffeine.

I went to bed at ten after eight last night, and I tell you when I heard Chris rumble down the drive at 5:30, I felt as if I could have slept for another five hours. But I got up so I could do a tiny bit of writing and have a cuppa.

I think I need to quit my beloved caffeine. I really don't know how to do it, but I'm sure it's turning the volume up to 11. OK. Just...after I finish this cup.

Ten years ago I was in energy healing school and I meditated every day and did Qi Gong and yoga and now I just eat, sleep, work, pray and yeah...worry. And it feels as if time is going by so much faster than it ever did before. I mean, honestly...wasn't I just on a plane five minutes ago on my way back from MA? And here it is Friday morning again? I don't know. I think I must be missing something.

Going Back To Harlan

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